Tuesday, September 11, 2012

she called me.....

last night my grandma called me.
of course this was a dream as my grandma is no longer here.

i have written all about my cute lil grandma olsen here and here and i suppose i will continue until i'm done.

i wish i was exaggerating when i say that i think of my grandma every day. but i'm not. i really do.
its a funny thing, i was actually closer to my grandpa when he passed but i guess my grandmother was my connection to him so i ended up becoming extremely close to her over the years. so close. when she passed last october it was like i lost them both really.
it has hit me harder than i imagined it would.

as i said, every day my mind drifts to her whether i am at home, driving in my car in silence, or grocery shopping. the smallest thing can trigger a mental image of her sitting in her quiet house in eastern montana. i first think about what she would be doing if she were still here in this place with us. then i get sad. she would just be sitting. alone. maybe watching tv, maybe reading her bible. the house would be quiet, maybe she would be silently snacking on her favorite treat, marshmallows. she would be lonely. i know this because she confided to me that she was often lonely her final few years.
this killed me. kills me still that i chose to take my family to maui each summer, a much more exciting destination than to take them to montana. i chose the magic of maui and thought i was making the right choice to take my kids to soak up and learn about their hawaiian culture when they also had much culture to learn about that was sitting in a quiet home in eastern montana.
i'm an idiot. i will forever have this regret.

so last night my phone rang. it was my grandmothers shaky and caring voice.
she told me that i needed to quit being sad. i told her that i knew i did but i just didn't know how.
she repeated herself.
in my dream i felt i had only moments to speak with her. i have been waiting for her to come to me in some way for almost a year! i quickly asked her what she does all day where she is. i think more than anything i needed to be able to picture something other than her sitting alone in a chair in a quiet house.
she answered with a very nonchalant, "oh, this and that, nothing much really." i asked where grandpa was and she answered that he was right there next to her. when i asked if i could talk to him i heard the phone fumble and she said one more time, "please stop being sad that i'm not there". i waited for my grandpa to get on the phone. the fumbling continued and as i waited my brother walked into the room. i said, "craig, oh my gosh, grandma is on the phone",  and when my brother took the phone and said her name it was suddenly a southern voice speaking. she was gone.

i don't know what the dream meant other than i know she was talking to me.
she doesn't want me to be sad.
i don't want to be either but  i just don't know how not to be.