Wednesday, March 5, 2014

hell hath no fury like a cat scorned.

so my cats pissed today.
what's new.
i'm fairly sure he is always plotting to kill us. actually, i think he would save me and maybe the hawaiian guy coz the hawaiian guy does interesting stuff outside in the man cave and that is like, 5% appealing to oatmeal most days.
oh, yes, his name is oatmeal. pissed off reason #1.
sawry bro, a 3 year old named you.

anyway, he deals with me because i understand and fully abide by his 4 basic rules.

rule #1- don't touch his butt area. ever. (never a problem)
rule #2- don't pick him up, but if you must, never place him on his back and never facing you -always face him out and over the shoulder, basically the farthest away his face can be from your face. there is a 7 second time limit on this "holding" thing anyway so ya gotta do this all pretty quickly. (intimacy issues)
rule #3- there is no placing cell phones anywhere near him. it's just important. i don't know why.
rule #4- understand that he expects you to know his wants and needs at all times. if you fail to understand this be prepared for an hour (sometimes longer) of disapproving looks, silent treatment, back turns and the "you are so damn dumb" face which will promptly ensue. (this makes you feel damn dumb. trust me)

today is a new level of pissy.
i woke up to a paw print in the small bathroom where we are doing a little makeover.

i know, cute right?!
cute until the moment of dread washes over you as you quickly realize your cat is somewhere pissed off at this. 
now, if there was a trail and many prints i would know that he was cool with wet cement toes and explored a little.
there is only one print. one. 
he stepped in and stepped out. he's pissed.
you gotta quickly check to see if he is behind you because cats are quiet and sneaky and they think.  they aren't like dogs.
he very well could be waiting around the corner to murder you because someone has to pay.
coast was clear as i live to write the story. whew!

eventually i cleaned off oatmeal's toes which by the way, is now rule #5. 
no toe touching. noted.

my contractor arrived today and while scratching his head (no joke- it was like a cartoon) he said to me, "but i put orange tape up".

i gave him my best "you are damn dumb" oatmeal face and explained that the cat doesn't really know what orange or even what tape means. clearly he does not own a cat.

luckily today wasn't as bad as this day. that was rough.

 or the day i made him weigh in

which resulted in a standoff (that green thing you see is the corner of his treat bag which he is standing on and refusing to let me put it away). i might point out he is showing his fangs.

or the time i accidentally had my cell phone too close to him

which, you guessed it, was followed by the silent treatment.

i quit filming because truthfully, i got scared.
text i sent my son the night of the cell phone issue.

i don't mean to make my cat sound like an a-hole. he really isn't. most of the time.
i do feel badly for my contractor. he is working alone today in my house. well, kinda alone. 
good luck man!

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